28 January 2011

Kucinich drafts bill for new agency

On the heels of his victory over cafeteria moguls, Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) declared at a rally on the mall his intent to introduce HR-45, The Sandwich Safety Act, which will establish the National Sandwich Safety Administration. Says Kucinich, "The lack of transparency for deli product safety has left Big Sandwich to squash our lunch rights for too long. This bill will establish a regulatory body ensuring delivery of open-faced sandwiches, guaranteeing America's citizens are not threatened by lunch meats or condiments."

Due to an improperly pitted olive, Kucinich has undergone several surgeries from a split tooth.

At the anti-sandwich rally, student agitator Sarah Bachman of Landover, Maryland led a crowd of nine protesters in a chant of "Peace now! Sandwiches free from hidden dangers now!" She is pursuing a degree in licensed accountancy.

Lester Murgrunch, director of Office of Federal Financial Management within the OMB, expalins that Kucinich's repeated absences for medical treatment have "saved an estimated 867 million dollars" since the unfortunate event, enough to fund the proposed office for a full half year.